Embrace the Cosmic Suck

Sorry Mom (if you're still reading), I know how much you hate that word. But today deserved it.

I raced back from vacation last night, enduring a grueling 9 hour drive (alone, I might add), all so I could have plenty of time to prepare for today's festivities. And I did a good job, I might add, and still managed to be 2 minutes late to my orientation meeting. Having just committed a mortal sin of third year students (failing to be on time, nay, early) I was saved by the fact that the residents' morning report ran over, so the clerkship director had no way of knowing my tardiness. The next hour was a morass of details about the morality tale of the "good" student and "not-so-good" student, punctuated by confusion regarding just exactly how many seminars I am supposed to attend (I swear, neurologists see like 1 patient a day and spend the rest of their time at lectures), and pronunciations of how much we would like this clerkship. (The clerkship director is notorious for his self-appreciation.)

Can I tell you how much I hate third year sometimes? For instance, 4 of the 11 of us are supposed to volunteer to give a case presentation. It's a game to see who volunteers, and to volunteer yourself (without really volunteering yourself) so that you fool the clerkship director into actually thinking you're a go-getter. Of course I coasted on this one because every time he asked a question I'd have to answer it since he'd look directly at me, I figure because I am the only student he knows from my time on the curriculum committee. Sometimes that position feels like a bad idea because it makes the clerkship directors aware of who you are.

I raced off to the "Outside Hospital" where I am assigned, only to mis-page my resident in front of the Department Chair (who only 5 minutes earlier declared he'd like to have a meeting with me at the start since he thinks he should do that with every student - and apparently hasn't before). A hard lesson learned today: beware of the Half-Helpful Resident, the one who will lull you into thinking they're teaching you something. Non-Helpful Resident is great because he is easy to ignore - since you're not getting anything out of them, you find ways to get the information you need. Helpful Resident is great for obvious reasons. But Half-Helpful Resident will only get you halfway to glory, and then block your attempts to impress the Attending since they've "gotten you so far." This probably makes no sense to an outside reader, but I spent the morning in such a panic about how I will need to practice my neuro exam alone tonight like 45 times, that at the pharm-sponsored free lunch (which my guilty conscious told me not to eat but my empty wallet compelled me to), I splattered chicken juice ALL OVER my white coat. Like literally all over. And I spent the rest of the day dreaming of going home and bleaching my coat so that I could stop smelling like garlic and silently dying inside every time someone sniffled. And then it was only 1 PM.

The rest of the day was spent "rounding," which meant 15 minutes of discussion with the Attending, punctuated by hours of walking the halls looking for the radiologist (who hate people, by the way) to help you interpret your patient's head CT. And of course this involves 15 trips up 7 flights of stairs. Back when I volunteered in an ER and accompanied family or neighbors to them, I'd wonder why medicine takes so damn long to move forward. And I'd like to take my past self by the shoulders, bring my face close to theirs, and say slowly and forcefully...if you only knew.