Where did all the patterns go?

My dreams have gone missing. And so have the patterns.

Back before I began med school, I dreamt lavish dreams. All night, every night. I have found that I no longer do so. I wonder if it's related to lack of sleep or lack of exercise. When I began in the summer, I expected my dreams to increase, or at least change in theme. Instead, they have disappeared.

Far more distressing is the disappearance of the patterns. Often, just as I would close my eyes, a pattern would appear behind my eyelids. They ranged in style, but were most often of a textile variety, as if I was in a great big fabric showroom. Before the patterns, I used to see photographs. More than once, I dreamt a photograph that I took later. (I still have the ultimate in mind: a group of mentally disabled adults eating peanut butter sandwiches at a long cafeteria table. The center subject is a skinny, older black man in a baseball cap, eyes plaintive with mouth in half chew. Black and white, of course.)

These images were comforting, because they were a small thread I could grasp, a lifeline to my artistic and creative side that science and medicine forcefully subvert. The frustrating part of having these visions was my inability to translate them into reality. I have always been fascinated by artists' ability to translate a mental image into tangible (viewable) reality. It never occurred to me, until a conversation with my Aunt Laurel a few years back, that artists are trained to translate their vision into the real world. And yet, while training might improve my abilities, it would still not bring them up to a suitable level. Perhaps that's why I was attracted to photography. It offered the chance to show what I found beautiful and hurtful about the world without relying on manual talent.

I was reminded of my missing patterns tonight when I stumble upon a link (see below) from a young woman who makes polyhedral stars out of paper and hand colors them. (Thanks, Laurel.) How I wish I had her abilities!

(Note: Click on title to see link.)